I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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