i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
