what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
