I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do vagina's smell?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
