i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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