i think i have two assholes
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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