I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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