do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
