when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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