I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Terrible idea I love it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
