The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
