Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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