I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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