Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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