I wish I only lived at night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
