Swine flu. Run for my life!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
