tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
