K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
