I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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