I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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