You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
