I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
