Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
