If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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