I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
