There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
