Cold hands, warm shart.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
