Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When did we convert life to cartoon?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
