He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
