My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
