The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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