if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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