not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
