I just cut my nipple shaving
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
