Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
