are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
