it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think people are normalizing furries
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
