ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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