Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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