apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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