I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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