sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
