when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
