i just wanna soil my oats bro
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
