Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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