what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
