Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
