THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
