Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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