I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
