when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
