I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can text with my tongue
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
